Tue, May. 3rd, 2005, 08:19 pm
I listen to your music because it is the closest I'll get to hearing your voice.
I wear the necklace you gave me because it is the closest I'll get to you hugging me.
I wrote this here because
I want you to know I miss you it is the closest I'll get to you listening to me agian.
Tue, Apr. 26th, 2005, 06:56 pm
Well, Dillinger didn't kill me last night. I never thought I would enjoy getting kneed in the face so much. Sometimes life rocks. Sometimes...
In two days I'll be a cripple.
Although at this point I'm already damn close.
Hurray for accidental invitations and folding fortunes.
Sun, Apr. 24th, 2005, 09:24 pm
You were never my friend, don't pretend to be now.
friends people who hate you talk to you like nothings wrong, they want something.
Today is an annoying day.
And it looks like all that aspertame finally hit me
She keeps telling me she wants to stop playing these games...
but all she wants is for me to stop responding to her moves. She wants to attack me and not let me defend myself.
Cunt.I'm not playing, I've already won.
"today is the day i am honest to everyone about everything
i suppose in its own way is one last attempt to dispel the rumors those who know me at all know the truth but this blog is for someone who seems to think that everything i write is about them (a little hypocritical, dont you think?), and considering the nature of the day, i figured this to be a good time to show how i really feel...
you are right - you dont know me. you know nothing about me. i was surprised when you wanted to meet with me. i thought maybe you actually cared. little do you know, his lies prevented you from finding any sort of truth...a lie for a lie i guess. you can think whatever you want about me, but the things he says to you about me are probably as false as the things he says to me about you. i do take offense to you telling him to forget about me completely...no one has the right to ask anyone to forget the past 2 1/2 years of their life, and no one has the capability of forgetting to that extent. you were not there those past years, you do not know what he, i, we went through and you will never know because, although you dont see it yet, he will only lie to you, and after the way ive been treated i have no desire to explain a thing. i thought maybe we could get along. we have a lot in common. but your immaturity has shown through in phone calls and emails. i would have sent you this, but your desire to post my blog about things that dont concern you on your page reflects your lack of respect and understanding. i would have emailed you appologizing, but he told me to stop playing your games or i would be as shallow as you. yes, he told me you were shallow. there are a lot of things im sure you'd like to know, i know i would if i were in your position, but like you told me, your ignorance is bliss. the only problem with that is the fact that you are not ignorant. you have been told but are choosing to ignore it, deny it, for whatever reason. maybe he was right, maybe you are just shallow and dependent on any guy who can lie to you and make you feel good about yourself. id rather not think that about you. people can tell you whatever they want about me. unfortunately, the people who have been any sort of friend to me in the past year, the people who know me and know this situation have not talked to you, therefor you have no right to attack my character. you were not the one who has been lied to for the past six months, possibly past 2 1/2 years. you are not the one who was looked in the eye and told that he did not sleep with you, did not love you, was not with you. you are not the one who changed your life around, moved, for someone you thought you could trust. and because you are none of this, i dont expect you to understand. likewise, i do not know you. i know you write about using people to feel better about yourself, i know that your relationship mostly consists of drugs and sex, i know you cared at one point but found it easier to believe a lie. i have nothing against you and would not have posted this as a blog if you hadnt felt the need to copy mine, but im sick of the phone calls and emails, sick of being treated like shit by both of you for no reason. i could sit here and list off everything he has said and done, but i dont care. what if you did? im sorry i had to play your game, this is probably the only time i will ever do something like this, but i know he didnt talk to you like he said he would the other day and i know this is the only way to defend myself without a lie being told or my words switched around. if you want to post this anywhere...go ahead. id rather that we could have been civil, could have talked or something, but i am not the one who will regret it."
Even you have to admit that when you used phrases from my response to your email in your other blog, its a pretty significant clue that it was about me, at least in part, so don't say it had nothing to do with me, even if it wasn't completely about me. But at least I don't pretend I don't care about you, the way you pretend with me. Obviously you do care, or you would stop looking at my blogs. Me, for some reason I care what you think of me, and what others think of me, therefore, I feel the need to correct a few fallacies in your blog here.
First, I did care, and I looked into it as much as I though necessary and then stopped spending my time and effort on it.
Second, he doesn't talk to me about you, the things that people feel necessary to tell me about you come from people who claim to have been your friends. I don't ask for this information, it is given to me.
Third, I have NEVER called you. I have no idea what your phone number is, and have no desire to. Also I have only responded to emails that were first sent to me. Stop making it sound like I am constantly trying to communicate with you, I'm not. I am only responding to you. You are the one who got in touch with me first.
Fourth, You made the first move in this game that you say is mine. You say I'm immature, well, here it is. You started it.
Fifth, You keep telling me that I am being lied to all the time, but then you go on to say that I am not the one who has been lied to for the past 6 months or whatever time frame.
Sixth and final, I don't understand where you got the idea that our relationship is only about sex and drugs. Its not. I went out to dinner with his parents and his grandmother last night. We sleep in eachothers beds and not fuck. We take walks and hold hands and watch movies and don't do drugs and have sex all the time. You say you know about our relationship, but you don't. You don't wake up next to him in the morning and have him brush the hair out of your eyes and tell you he loves you. I do. If you are thinking of this as my little game, then I'm telling you right now that I've won. I have him, not you. He loves me, not you.
You say that you are sick of being treated like shit by both of us (although I have never said anything with the spitefulness of the things you say about me) and you constantly talk about how much you hate it here, so go away. You were free of here once, you were gone and away and living another life seperate from this place you claim you hate so much. So go back to that. You can't complain about being here, and the people here, and the life here when you were gone and chose to come back. And I'm not trying to say that in a malicious way, although I'm sure it will be taken that way.
You want this game to end, stop playing, its that simple. I do not call you, I only respond to your emails and blogs, I don't talk to you when I see you. I don't want to either. I want you to stop telling me these things because I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. And its not because I don't want to, its because I can't. If you looked at this from an outsider's perspective you should understand. You are his long term ex. I barely know you, if even at all. So if some stranger with a vendetta agianst him told you stuff about your boyfriend, would you believe her? I would hope not, or else your relationship is not very strong.
My mother suggests I just kill her and get it over with.
Thu, Apr. 21st, 2005, 10:09 pm
You make addiction appealing.
Why can't we not be sober?
Just want to fuck forever.
Why do you make me participate in your addiction?
Wed, Apr. 13th, 2005, 05:22 pm
I have to design a book about beauty.
I'm not sure I'm in quite the right state to be doing this.
Tue, Apr. 12th, 2005, 05:57 pm
Just because 90% of our relationship is fake doesn't mean I can't make myself beautiful for him, right?
Sun, Apr. 10th, 2005, 05:26 pm
I miss Canada already...
We made friends with a French Canadian...
The Canadian Vin Diesel.
Tue, Apr. 5th, 2005, 04:08 pm
This is new
I'm starting over agian...
Here's to new beginnings.
I hope you've had enough to drink, this is going to take a lot of courage.
Forget about the past, think about the future.
Who am I kidding? I'm sick of it already...