This weekend seemed like it went on forever, but only because I did so much stuff in just 3 days.
Friday was the day of the big jump, but once again we were thwarted by the weather, so instead we hung out in a biker town eating fries made out of obscure food and watching the most awesome close-talking drunk guy tell and re-tell the story of how he beat up Gene Simmons or Sammy Hagar, or some like rock-star. Then we went home and sat by the fire and giggled like schoolgirls at prank phone calls.
Saturday I shopped. And by shopped I mean I went to every rummage sale and thrift store in two counties. It was a ton of fun and I bought a lot of stuff, most importantly, dining room chairs! Now I can finally sit at my awesome table. The most important thing though was that instead of driving just to get somewhere, I actually enjoyed the scenery. I stopped at a park and took side roads that I didn't know where they ended. I loved it and felt awesome.
I made it home in time to re-upholster my new chairs and make dinner (albeit a late dinner that resulted in maybe just a little too much wine drank on an empty stomach). I made a complex dinner that Emeril considers intermediate, but a couple burns and hours later, I relabeled it as complex. Then we laid on the couch under the pretense of a movie and fell asleep. Its amazing how comfortable I feel in your arms. I'm still afraid of what people say, but its easy to forget that when we're alone.
Sunday was an early morning a long drive to Grandma's for Mother's Day brunch. The kicker though, is that my own mother didn't even show, so after a surprisingly fun morning it was more long driving to my parents for dinner. For once (well, I guess twice) I didn't mind the driving. I think this weekend I really realized that it really is true that the journey is just as important as the destination. Maybe its all the time spent on the back of a motorcycle with no place to go.
Other exciting news, my hyper spastic refused-to-listen puppy has been reformed. I bought a remote training collar this weekend, and it is by far the best purchase I've made recently. For anyone thinking that this is cruel, know first that I tried it on myself before I would even think to put it on Molly, and because of this wonderful device, her quality of life will get so much better. Before, I couldn't let her off lead because she would chase animals everywhere, even birds, and she wouldn't stop until she met a physical barrier, which where we live could be miles. That meant that she couldn't run, EVER. Now last night after about 10 minutes of brief training (that only consisted of a couple shocks) she could run around, we played fetch, she even chased the barn cats around but stopped when she got too far away from me. It was perfect! And then she was so much more well behaved in the house because she was actually able to get her energy out. I think this is gonna be a great change. I think all of this is gonna be a great change.
Apparently I'm the wikipedia definition of a quarter life crisis. I feel like I'm awkwardly blending into a life I don't want to have, in a place I don't want to be, with people I don't want to be around. I don't know what most people do at this point, but I'm jumping out of planes, riding motorcycles, dating inappropriate men and waiting nervously for one of us to circle 'maybe'. Oh well, I'll get over it I'm sure, or maybe I'll come to rest in this love I'm falling into and the awkwardness will go away. You are, after all, the most comfortable thing in my life. Either way, one of us is going to end up with a broken heart, and right now I'm hoping that will be me because I don't want to hurt you.
Tomorrow, I jump.
Wed, Jul. 19th, 2006, 09:14 pm
I want you because you love me, I hate you because I don't. I yearn for something more, something double what I have now. I know this isn't cryptic enough to be misunderstood, and maybe you'll read this and be hurt, or maybe you won't
be hurt read this. I want to have to wretch myself from someone's arms, not wretch someone from my arms. I'm not into unrequited love unless I'm the one wanting. I'll love you if you hate me and I know that's totally screwed up and immature and not the ideal way to find a husband and I would love you if I could but I can't and I won't.
I'm sleeping with him but dreaming of you. It didn't seem like a dream and I woke up happy, the weight of your arm on my hip. My back to you, I smiled. I don't even know your name, and already I love you more than him. I rolled over and he opened his eyes in the most seductive way and smiled at me but I suddenly felt like I fell of the high cliff of an Ecstasy binge. I thought of you the whole time I walked to work, and then promised myself that this would be the last dream of you, but I sat down and here you are, right in front of me. You asked how I was and all I could do was smile, the words would only come out as a croak, followed shortly by a sob and tears. So I try hard to swallow and breath through my mouth and not look at you, but its hard because you have the most beautiful eyes and it hurts because I know they will never really look at me.
So I'm concentrating on my screen and work and anything but you.
I sent the invitation and it didn't turn out the way you thought it would. It wouldn't have anyways, even if the stamp was used. Call backs are irrelevant, this opportunity has expired. Maybe. Probably not.
We've only got so much time on the books, and sometimes we have to destroy something old to start something new. The thing I'm destroying is not quite the one I want, but the choice was not mine this time. I guess its time for a new #2.
Fri, Aug. 12th, 2005, 09:08 pm
ready but not
I thought I was ready but now I'm not so sure. I feel like I have so much to do and no time to do it, but I do. I thought I couldn't get away from here soon enough, but now I realize I'll miss some things. I'll miss faux dates and boys who dump girls because they reference great music commercially. I'll miss rocking out to bluegrass bands in the backyard of local bars and shitty punk bands at the VFW. Mostly I'll miss these things because they were done with someone I love hate know. Mostly I'll miss you. This is the last time I'll see you, I know it. So... Goodbye.
I went on a faux date with someone I
love hate know this sunday.
We went to open houses and pretended we were just married. Then we would have huge fights and pretend to break up.
We said things to spite eachother. I was just trying to help, he's no good at faking tears.
I am, but I didn't need to fake it.
Its so much easier to say what you mean under the pretence of acting, but we both knew we weren't acting.
We broke eachother's hearts, both of us knowing it was the last time.
If you're acting it's not cheating, right?
Sun, Jun. 5th, 2005, 09:28 pm
Love is like a roller coaster, when its over, you throw up. Your jaded and dramatic all at once. I'm not quite sure what to do about this...
You're shiny and new and I think I'm infatuated with you. Yay! Finally something
real outside of boredom and tedium. I can't wait.
Oh gosh, this is gonna come back to bite me in the ass...
I miss you guys already and it hasn't even been a week. My mother's angry I'm skipping a wedding to see you, but like I've said before, titles don't dictate love, and I don't even like my cousin. Oh well. I almost wish I had failed my drug test so that my parents would kick me out and I really could come live with you Ellen.
Knock on wood.
I'm realizing finally that labels do not make love and proximity does not make friends.
I don't want to go home, but I think I've got to get out of here. My accidental invitation did not work, and the folding fortune lied.
I wanted to call him by another name but I couldn't think of an alliteration that I don't have a crush on or haven't fucked.
and I lied, nothing's happening.